Thursday, September 29, 2011

Summarized Versions of Fairy Tales For Busy Parents

The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf
If you lie wolves will eat you. No one will care because you are a dirty liar.

If you are mean to your children they might torture you and marry a stranger. Go to school so you wont have to marry the first asshole that brings you a shoe.

The Three Little Pigs
If you do a job half ass and you're not prepared wolves will eat you.

Goldie Locks and the 3 Bears
If you break into people's houses, it doesn't matter how cute you are bears will eat you (even scarier since bear has come to mean large hairy men).

Little Red Riding Hood
Don't talk to strangers or wolves will eat your grandma.

Sleeping Beauty
If you do your own thing eventually a great man will find you. You will have to hang out with some goofy people for a while. You need plenty of rest. If a stranger kisses you in your sleep you punch them in the throat.

The Ugly Duckling
The hottest ducks go through awkward stages so don't worry about it. Also be nice to everyone because you never know who you will want to get with later.

Beauty and the Beast
When talking to boys- If you're a hairy beast you better have a fucking castle and not be an asshole.
When talking to girls- Be nice to the beast they might be a good person with a fucking castle!

The Princess Bride
Is the best ever and we should watch it right now.


  1. I think it's time for an update, wolves haven't eaten anyone in over a hundred years, are kids really that stupid, or can we come up with a more believable antagonist?

  2. LOL had to share that with the wife and kids.