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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The start of a very long list.

I just read a great articled called the 7 basic things you wont believe you’re all doing wrong (thanks David).

1. Pooping- Ever been told your too stupid to shit right? In all fairness you are probably not doing #2 right unless you shit in the woods like a bear. I do the second best option. I prop my feet up with a step stool. I like the leverage.

2. Bathing- Apparently your skin is horny and if you wash too much you kill your horny. No one likes that. Don’t use antibacterial soap everyday or you might kill us all with super bacteria. So Don’t bath everyday. Use mild soap. My fav is don’t use a towel. Air drying is fun too bad my cock blockin kids make it hard for me.

3. Breathing- Do it from your gut. I was trying to come up with a blow job joke here but couldn’t pull it off… Seems like if I can use blow job and pull it in the same sentence I could come up with a dirty joke. FAIL.

4.  Sleeping- If your not sleeping through the night that is great. Get up smoke, meditate, have sex (seriously that is the best option) and go back to sleep.

5. Giving birth- The way they do it in the hospital on your back is pretty much the worst way to have a baby ever. Giving birth the right way is a lot like taking a poop the right way. My suggestion is don’t have one. It is terribly uncomfortable, disgusting, expensive, gross things come out of them all the time. But if your all ready knocked up or insist on going through with it good luck and trust me they are worth it.

6. Brushing- Brush twice a day. Not after meals. Flossing is way better for your teeth then brushing. Apparently we are just too clean for our own good.

7. Sitting- Yeah we can’t even sit our fat asses down right. Our bodies aren’t designed to use chairs with backs and when we use them it puts too much pressure on our spins. When we normally sit our stomach muscles tense up and help support our tops. And some how sitting too much causes cancer. So does pretty much everything I do. I wouldn’t be surprised if I cause cancer. Cracked suggest sitting on an exercise ball (I love those things) or a kneeling stool. Whatever that is.

I’m doing pretty much everything the wrong way, but this list is a good start.
And FYI cracked.com is an awesome page. Another great article in 5 scientific reasons a zombie apocalypse could actually happen. Zombies scare the crap out of me! Also not the right way to poop.

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